pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I looked at my own cervix.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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