I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
