He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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