and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
