My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
