I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
