just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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