i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
