apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
