I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
