My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
