On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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