remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
