That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
