I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
