I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
