i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
