feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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