dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
