I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
