The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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