I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
