wakey wakey hands off snakey
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
