I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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