he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
