im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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