walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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