two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
