he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I smell like Dick and happiness
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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