I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
