just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
