honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
