My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
