im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
