Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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