I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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