i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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