im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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