My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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