I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
