you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My life is pants optional.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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