Sry I called you an 8
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
