Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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