I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
