So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
