I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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