grandma shit on top of the toilet
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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