What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
