I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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