we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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